I can't believe its already been an month since I last had a chance to write an entry...my life has been one thing after another lately and there hasn't really been time to do anything.

I'll start with my new job and my training in Atlanta...I thought I was going to have time to write, but I only had time to get on every once and a while and read everyone's blogs, but not nearly enough time to update mine.  On the plus side I learned ALOT.  At first when we went to Ed's office I was really reserved because he has about 60 employees and I barely knew the 10 who I came with so I felt like a total outsider.  Two days later I had 70 friends and was having the time of my life.  The days flew by because I was constantly learning, I would wake up at 6 am and before I knew it 6pm had come and past and we were all heading back to the hotel.  I worked about 13 hour days and for the first time in my life loved every minute of it. 

The first weekend I was there I spent with my cousin Nathan and some of his friends.  I'm worried about him because around this time last year his mother/my aunt passed away from cancer and I think he's dealing with it in all the wrong ways.  He tried to get me to smoke weed with him and he wanted me to buy him alcohol and if he had asked me about a year ago I would have done it in a heartbeat, but I'm not the same person I used to be and I just don't think its good in any way, shape, or form for him to self medicate like that.  I felt helpless and it sucked.

My second weekend was a little different.  I was originally planning on staying with family again, however Friday I went into the field with this girl Sarah and we ended up having sooo much fun together that after we did the end of day bell ceremony (this tradition the company has), we went out for a few drinks with about 4 other people including this guy Brandon who had actually taken me into the field on my second day in town.  Well as yall know I don't usually drink a lot but for some reason I decided to let loose, I had about 4 vodka lemonades and a margarita.  By about 10 we are all having a pretty good time, listening to jazz and just talking.   Well 2 people choose to go home and Sarah, Brandon, Remus and I decide to go to a club.  We went to some club that was having their opening night and danced till about 4 in the morning.  It has to be one of the best times I've ever had.  I think Brandon's last words for the night when he dropped me off were "You seem free for the first time since I met you...You look happy"  It really made me think...but I'll get to that in a minute.  The next night I went to the 24th birthday party of this guy named Chase who works at Ed's Office where we were training.  Everyone was there and it was this huge party and was soooo much fun, but to be honest I don't remember most of the night until it was time to leave.  I know I danced with Chase most of the night for 2 reasons, 1, I love to dance and if he wanted to dance I was gonna dance....I don't get to often!  2, I heard the stories the next day of how he was all over me and i kept pushing him away...haha maybe thats why he avoided me the next week haha...Anyways, when we left Chase asked for a ride home...we tried to take him but we're from Memphis and he just moved to Atlanta recently and he's sooo trashed he cant hold his head up straight and so we ended up getting lost....finally we decided to just take him back to the hotel and let him sleep it off...I kid you not....I spent 4 hours telling this man NO until he finally just passed out....Troy (my roommate) was nice enough to make him a pallet on the floor while I got him some water and tried to sober him up....He asked me the next morning if we had done anything and when I said no he said "thank god, that would be awkward"....ummmm I wanted to yell "YOU ALREADY MADE IT AKWARD BY TRYING TO SLEEP WITH ME!!!!!!!!"  but I didn't I just smiled and asked him to call someone to pick him up...

The next week was my last week in Atlanta and Wednesday night was team night.  The whole office decided to go the the park and play kick ball (see why i love this job haha)...so I hadn't brought any clothes from Memphis to do sports in cause I didn't know we'd be playing sports....but turns out Brandon hadn't brought clothes from home and was just going to go watch the game and not play....I thought this was a great idea and there were going to be some more Memphis people coming so I figured I'd just ride with Brandon and ride back to the hotel with some Memphis folks...Well Brandon and I stopped at the gas station to get some beer and stood on the sidelines and cheered and talked until it got too dark outside to play anymore...No one from Memphis every ended up coming so I went with Brandon and he decided to show me the city since I hadn't had a chance to really site see....we went all over and ended up at this little bar called Daily's where he bought me a shot and we listened to a classic rock cover band and laughed and talked till about midnight when it was time to take me home.  I quickly developed a crush on him once I got to know him and I think it was a mutual thing.  He told me that life wasn't fair to bring someone like me to Atlanta and have us get along so well then me have to leave.  I agreed with him even if it did cause me to feel a twang of guilt for Jason.

That Friday was my last night and I went to a club and ended up leaving with Brandon, Shapiro and Sara...(yes his name is Shapiro and its a different Sara)...Well apparently someone slipped something into Sara's drink and she freaked out...its a really long and semi boring story and I've already written a lot so I'm not going to go into details except to say that she was someone I really looked up to and I lost all the respect she had gained over the time I was there in a single hour.  At the end of the night Brandon took me home and told me to keep in touch, asked me to consider moving to Atlanta and working for Ed...and I have to admit that it sounds like an experience of a lifetime, but I just have so much here to take care of....it would be a hard move.

On the Brandon/Jason note.  While I was away I had time to really think about my relationship with Jason.  After all no one there knew Jason and for the first time since we started dating I had some time away from him...After talking to Brandon and realizing the things that attracted me to him are the things that Jason doesn't have, I started to freak.  Please hear me out and let me know if I'm loosing my mind...Jason is a GREAT boyfriend, in fact after 3 weeks without him I can honestly say he's the best boyfriend I've ever had and I do love him with all my heart, however there are 3 main things that bother me when we start talking about long term. 

1, he's not clean...yes he showers and everything, but I'm a neat freak and he hates to clean...our house is a constant mess and it drives me crazy...do I really want to deal with that for the rest of my life...can I handle cleaning up after him forever? 

2, he doesn't ever take control.  Now I hope this isn't too much TMI, but I would really like a more eventful sex life.  I ask him to help me pick out lingerie and if he wants to try new positions, but its always the same answer "suprise me".....How can I suprise you with something you like if you don't give me ANY IDEA what you want?!?!  Its so frustration and I'm sooooo bored with the sex that its really getting to me. Lastly....

3, and heres the big one....he has ZERO ambition.  My goal in life is to raise a family and live comfortably, Jason is happy being a store manager and making $13/hr, which is great, but not enough to have the lifestyle I desire and raise a family in an area of town I feel safe...its just not enough to be a store manager.  He has GOT to do something with his life.  My new job give me endless opportunities, people in this business who stick with it have the potential to make a million dollars a year in about 7 years....its ALOT of hard work, but the goal is bigger than the obstacles I have to overcome to reach it.  I want to succeed, I strive for it and truly care about making a better life for myself.  Jason couldn't care less.

These three things might not seem like a big deal, and they aren't when its just a boyfriend, but now that things are turning towards marriage and long term commitments, I don't know if thats the type of person I want to be with for the rest of my life.  Those are deal breakers for me, and I've told him this but nothing seems to change.  I think that once I realized what I want and what I need out of someone in order to make him my husband my feelings for Jason slowly began to change.  Its not that I don't love him because I do, more than anything, but is love really enough?  Being around Brandon and getting butterflies in my stomach while I talked to him was an experience I haven't experienced in a long time and something that I only experienced with Jason for about a week.  I don't know if I'm reading into it too much, and its not like I'm wanting to date Brandon or anything right now, I just want to figure out if Jason is who I want to spend my life with, and if not I want to figure out how to get out of a relationship where we are solely dependent on each other for everything.  Any advise?

Sorry its so long, I had a month to catch up on haha.

I know that last time I wrote all I did was complain, but thats how my life has felt these past couple of weeks, its almost like every time I turn around something else is demanding my attention and money.  Things haven't exactally started to look up yet, in fact things got really bad Tuesday.  Let me start at the beginning...

As you know we have been having horrable trouble paying bills lately, well Jason in all his stupidity bought a car.  Now this might not sound so bad since he did wreck his and he did need a new one, but let me ask you this...would you buy a $16,000 NEW car when you can't pay rent and your budget is only $14,000?  Would you sign a contract agreeing to finance at a 19% intrest rate?  Would you sign a contract to pay $400/month when you agreed not to finance monthly payments more than $200 at the MOST?  Would you sign a contract with a "no cooling off period" clause stating that the car can not be returned for any reason? Would you sign a contract without even READING it?  Jason would...and needless to say I would not...so now we're stuck with these crazy monthly payments and we can't return the car and I am not happy...neither is Jason anymore.  I was angry for about 3 days straight and even though I'm still not happy with the purchase I'm not yelling anymore.  I figure since we can't return it we might as well enjoy it...even if I hate it...and love it. damn.--oh yeah, and 2 days ago my car decided to stop working so now its at the shop and I guess if we had returned the new car we would be stuck, but still...since my car quit working I can't go get another one cause he got the one he just HAD to have....ugh....frustration to the max.

The only reason I'm partially okay with this is because I just got a new job, and if its everything it seems (it almost sounds too good to be true) then I'm going to be happy to not have to worry about money at all.  I leave for Atlanta on Sunday for training and I'll be there for 3 weeks...I think the distance will be good for Jason and I, not to mention they will be paying me $100/day mon-fri so I'll be comming home with about $1500 to help out with the bills...then if all goes as planed I'll be bringing home about $600/week for about a month and if I do well in that position I'll get promoted and get a raise to $800/week...if I do well in that position within 6 months I will get promoted again and make a guarenteed $1000/week!  I'll stay at that position for another 6 months then advance to Manager where after about a year I'll be making a 6 figure paycheck.  See why I say IF it turns out to be everything its promised....I'm skeptical, but hopeful.  If this works out I'll be able to get a new car too so I wont have to worry about breaking down again....lord please let this work out.  I'll be able to get the apartment I want, and I wont have to worry about putting off my dreams because of a car note...

Everything feels hopeful with this new job.  I hope it stays that way, I'm so tired of being disapointed at every turn...

**Disclamer**  I got a comment yesterday from some guy saying I was searching for porn and I'm busted (for obvious reasons I deleated the comment)...let me just say that if that offended any of you half as much as it offended me, I'm sorry.  I was NOT searching for porn, and even if I was (which would be the most repulsive thing I've prob. ever done) it wouldn't be anyones business.

On to happier things...I have a job interview tommorow afternoon with the owner of a very prestigious salon here in the area.  I can not wait!  If I got this job it would be everthing that I've been waiting for, more money, more hours, and more of a challenge.  WISH ME LUCK!

I spent some time this morning looking at the Sunday paper and still can't find anything I'm intrested in renting as far as the housing market is concerned.  Maybe I'm too picky but I just hate the idea of spending almost $1000 a month for something I dont absolutly love.

I cant remember if I mentioned it yet but Jason picked my birthday as a good day to total out his car so now we are in the process of trying to get him another one and its about to drive me mad.  He ran into the back of a fed ex truck and luckly for us they do their own repairs and didn't even get our insurance information!  (talk about luck...) We had full coverage so his insurance is paying us around $2100 and we plan on using his tax return money as well (I would use mine too but I've got to pay off credit cards....poopoo)  That gives us about $4000 to get him a good used car.  Its so stressful looking though cause we are both really worried about getting ripped off then having a broken car and no money and noone to buy it back....ugh its just too much to think about.

Anyways, I'm out like a....well i can't think of anything to rhyme with so I'm just out.

-wizard.